Binging Your Life Away

Get ready for Daniel’s next piece in the Pebble magazine!

Hi reader, I’m excited to be writing the advice column this year and to give the best advice I can regarding pressing issues, and some that may not be quite as important. No matter what the column is about, I hope you take every bit of advice to heart, because issues like binge-watching are very serious and can’t be joked about. With that being said, enjoy.

Daniel Braverman

 

By Daniel Braverman

Q: Dear knowledgeable advisor, I have so many things that I need to get done, but I can’t stop watching Netflix. How can I deal with my inability to stop binge-watching?

A: Great question, and thanks for asking. Might I add, you didn’t need to address me as “knowledgeable advisor,” but what can I say, the truth is the truth. While some truths such as knowledge are great, the truths regarding binge-watching are horrific. Binge-watching is when a person spends hours and hours of their time glued to a screen watching shows on Netflix.

A study found that one in every 2.736 students at high schools on Jamesville Road is affected by this binge-watching epidemic. Puffy eyes, procrastination and knowing every word in “Grey’s Anatomy” are just some of the symptoms in minor cases. In rare, severe cases, the victim may know every word to “American Horror Story,” or even worse, “The Vampire Diaries.” Absolutely terrifying.

So, as you asked, what can be done to stop binge-watching? *Before reading on, I warn you that this will involve serious lifestyle changes, and side effects may include uncontrollably calling out favorite characters’ names, having to interact with people in real life and, worst of all for some people, actually getting things done.*

Students at MPH are lucky when it comes to stopping binge-watching because, living in the Syracuse area, there are many lakes nearby. The one step needed to stop binge-watching: dump your computer or Netflix-connected device in a lake. Personally, I use Skaneateles Lake. When I’ve told people about this method in the past, they’ve said things like, “Are you crazy? That’s so unnecessary” or, “I’ll just delete my account, and if you dump any more computers into lakes I’m calling the OCWA (Onondaga County Water Association).”

To no surprise, none of these people are able to stop until they use my correct advice. Solely deleting an account to stop binge-watching is one of the biggest mistakes a person can make; a new account can be made in just a few clicks! Additionally, if you are discreet, the OCWA won’t be able to prove a thing. I know from experience. I also know from experience that if you are reported, there is always Oneida Lake. Dumping your Netflix-connected devices in a lake is a foolproof, one-step method to stop binge-watching that has worked countless times.

Once you have dealt with your binge-watching and are productive once again, spread the word about how you stopped and help your friends. When you want to watch TV again, just use cable, or get a Hulu or Amazon Prime TV subscription. Conclusive studies have shown that it is almost impossible to binge watch on those platforms.

To the person who asked this question and to anyone else who binge-watches TV, I hope this helped. If you’re spending hours and hours of your time watching shows instead of doing things like helping out or doing homework, please think to yourself, “Why am I doing this, and is it really worth it?”